Return to Vegas: Part IV

For purposes of brevity, this section of our blog has been significantly truncated. For those who wish to see it in its uncircumcised form, we defer you to our webpage: [coming soon]

Monday, March 8, 2010—Las Vegas By Day, Then By Night

Our intent during the daytime was to see what we missed the first time in Las Vegas: the other end of the Strip, particularly a close view of the Stratosphere Casino. It hosts one of the more unique structures on the Strip, a free-standing tower that is the second highest one in the entire Western Hemisphere of the planet. At the top, it includes a restaurant called Top of the World, as well as several types of amusement park rides. A picture of that structure would round out our previous tour nicely. Fortunately, we grabbed a couple of good ones:

With our earlier experience to guide us, we were soon aboard the overpriced monorail transport, which ferried us from the MGM Grand all the way northward to the Sahara casino. It took a bit of a hike, during which we encountered more dead escalators we had to slog up (and it was always up).

Overall, however, we had to conclude the north side of the Strip wasn't as impressive as the middle and southern portions we'd seen last time. Other than the Stratosphere itself bulking against the horizon, it was otherwise something of a rundown slum. I felt a little vulnerable walking around the streets, as we kept passing scraggly-looking old men with long gray beards, who watched us as we moved past them. Urban Jed Clampetts. At one point, we passed between two gangs snapping their fingers, obviously preparing to rumble. Luckily for us, they then started ballet dancing and singing as though on camera, and we slipped past them before they noticed anything amiss.

Of note, we saw a few of the "McChapels" for which Las Vegas is known, those little drive-thru places where you can get married for a cheap price. They're even yoked to cheap motels, presumably so newlyweds can have the wedding and the wedding night in close succession. *Chuckle*

Sometimes You Get the "Cow," Sometimes the "Cow" Gets You

Once we'd had our fill of the Stratosphere, Jennifer thought we might enjoy a quick jaunt southward on the Strip, to see what kinds of city sites yet awaited us. Alas, it ended up being a hard walk, behind multitudes of "cows" who could have only walked slower if they backed into us. Jennifer just knocked them aside.

Images of the north side of the Strip

The Fashion Show Mall

The Strip did finally start to change from a slum to something more resembling what we saw in the south end, and we eventually reached one of our goals: The Fashion Show Mall. We had high hopes of finding some new clothes like the ones we found last time, something that would spruce up our wardrobes in general, and maybe give us something for our second show that night. The place was multi-storied, elaborate, labyrinthine and filled with various forms of enchanting, if money-sucking, establishments. It was enough the delight the eye and warm the heart.

Eh.

Unfortunately for us, it only verified what we've discovered on other trips to large shopping malls. They just aren't for us. We covered this mall in about an a hour, and were somewhat disappointed that for all its seeming diversity, it offered nothing we really wanted. We sighed and prepared our tired and hurting feet for the long walk to the nearest monorail stop.

There's little else to tell of the return trip, other than it was long and often frustrating. More dead escalators, a few actually going down this time. More slobbering "cows." So let's fast-forward to the highlights of the evening....

Bait for Dinner

At check-in the day before, they'd given us a couple of tickets for free drinks at one of the restaurants inside the casino. Jennifer suggested we use them with dinner on this evening, and she thought their little Irish restaurant, Nine Fine Irishmen, would be a good place. She ordered a deep-fried whale fillet, while I searched over the appetizer menu, looking for something reasonable for one person, that might save us a few bucks besides. I settled on some cold cooked fish on some kind of bread rolls, with goat cheese.

They brought me some fisherman's bait.

No, wait, that was my dinner, all four morsels of it. I had envisioned an appetizer on par with cheese sticks or spinach and artichoke dip; something large enough that it could be a meal if necessary. Instead, I got food from the aquatic gumball machine. I'm surprised it didn't come in a plastic Easter egg. To the credit of the establishment, it was delicious. I attempted to offer Jennifer a bite, but she said she felt guilty about taking 25% of my meal! I guess you get what you pay for. In the end, I made it work for me, and Jennifer helped by letting me smuggle a few fries from her plate of fish and chips.

A Stranger in a Strange Land

At this point, we had seen three shows in Las Vegas that showed the female form. Now it was Jennifer's turn to savor of a bit of what the city had to offer. Only *ahem* "bare" weeks ago, she had cheerfully reserved tickets for the show Thunder From Down Under, a live performance at the Excalibur casino. This is an Australian version of the better-known Chippendales, a male dance routine. Our original hope had been to have another couple eventually join us in Vegas, and perhaps allow Jennifer to go to it with another woman. Unfortunately, in our socially sped-up culture, with time at a premium, the chance of that with any of our friends seems increasingly bleak. So I found myself in the dubious position of joining my wife at a show designed for women of all ages...and men of none. Still, I discovered I was looking forward to it, if only because it would put me in the unique position of being a minority, a stranger in a strange land of "women being bad." Plus, I reasoned that any event that brought attractive women together couldn't be completely off-putting. *Snicker*

Dressed in our nice outfits, we hotfooted our way over to the Excalibur, got in line and started inside the showroom. I noticed right off that I had been right in my expectations. The line was composed mostly of 20-something women wearing "night on the town" dresses, with glitter and bling. Hair heavily teased, slit skirts, high heels and in some cases, diadems with the number "21" on them. Coming-of-age gals, no doubt. Ahead, I heard them talking to a world-weary usher, who fielded their questions with mechanical, fluid practice. One of the girls, probably one less-than-sober, asked him if the dancers ever took their bottoms off and went completely bare. He responded, "Yes they do, every time they get in the shower." When we got up next to him, I told him I suspected he'd heard everything, to which he gave a tired affirmative. He told me the most common question he gets is "Are the dancers gay?" To which he answered that they most assuredly are not.

Once we found our seats, another couple soon walked by us. The were a little older, and the man--one of the only other ones I would see--told us this was his second time to see the show. He advised me to look around, "just don't enjoy it!" I bantered with him several times, eventually realizing he was stone-drunk. Maybe that's what it takes for a man to get through a male dance tease twice. Poor bastard.

The lights dimmed, the music started and the dancers hit the stage. I looked around the room, watching the girls' responses. Our stage host, a guy named Marcus, was rousing the crowd at one point, asking first how many married women were in the crowd. *Mild Cheering* Then he asked how many women had boyfriends, but before anyone could answer, he interrupted himself and said, "Oh, who cares, where are the SINGLE girls!?" *Mad Cheering* He topped off this particular bit by asking, "Let's just be honest, ladies...which of you are easy!?" *More Mad Cheering* One of the things I noticed was that some of the girls looked uncomfortable or downright unhappy and resentful. One particular new-minted 21-year-old (she had the birthday diadem on her head), pointedly put her hands on her lap and looked down, when Marcus asked the "easy" question. I was kind of left wondering what that type of woman expected when she came to a Las Vegas male show. A church collection plate? By and large, though, such ladies were the exception. I saw more staggering youngsters, most likely those who didn't know how to pace themselves, and got so drunk before the show that they'd probably be too hungover and sick to remember much of it the next day. But there were middle-aged ladies in the crowd too. And one much older. Everyone was delighted when Marcus took one of the front audience members, Grandma Margaret up front for special attention. Margaret was there with her daughter and granddaughter, and she was celebrating her 90th birthday! Marcus was gentle with her, but made sure she got from the show what women were there to get, including a full-on kiss to the mouth! They played George Thoroughgood's Bad to the Bone during this sequence, stopping it at the line, "I make an old woman blush." I think everyone appreciated how Marcus gave attention to the little old lady, including Margaret herself.

Overall, it was a pleasant show, with good crowd-rousing music of various genres. These guys weren't expert dancers, but they had stamina and did some impressive acrobatics, including break-dancing. The ladies screamed and screamed and screamed until Jennifer got hit in the back of the head by my bleeding earlobes that some girl behind me had blown completely off my skull. The stage lights were dazzling and well-coordinated. The chairs were a little uncomfortable and cramped, but all in all, it was a memorable experience. By the end, I was tired and ready to leave. And I had to wonder later, how do those guys do this show every night, next that pulse-pounding music, and not suffer damage to their hearing? And is this a question only a man in an audience of women would care to ask?

Anyhow, the night was very late, at least for our three-hour, temporally disynchronous selves. That meant a couple of drinks and bedtime.


NEXT TIME: Jennifer feels she has a bit more to say about this night....


Click for a Different Perspective of Part IV