'BERRIES IN A BARREL--Part VI

The rest of our day on the American side of the Falls requires its own entry to do it justice. That's because it included the...

Maid of the Mist Excursion

At last, we came to what would be the highest point of the trip for Jennifer. Ever since her father came to the Falls during his honeymoon in 1989 and talked about it, she had yearned to take a ride on the Maid of the Mist (MoM). You’re familiar with it. Everyone who knows Niagara Falls has heard of it. There are actually several of the little boats, all with the same name and the same mission - to take her passengers on an up-close-and-personal tour of the entire Falls system.

Jennifer and I paid our fee (in American money, this time) and rode the elevator down nearly 200 feet to the floor of the gorge. Then we had to run like watery mascara to catch the boat before it left. The boats depart every 30 minutes, but if you miss the current one, that means a wait for the next one. We had time-sensitive drink—uh, erm, business plans back on the Canadian side and couldn’t really accommodate the setback. Fortunately for us, we were fleet of foot and managed to get aboard the MoM less than a minute before she pulled out. Swaying constantly under the barrage of the Niagara River, we sniggled into our second set of disposable slickers as the craft took us first by the American Falls and onward toward the Horseshoe Falls.

We arrived and the boat came to a stop before one of the most awe-inspiring displays of my adult experience.

The Horseshoe Falls was so vast from the deck of our boat that it literally spanned the entire horizon. From left to right, we could see nothing but Falls.

We were smote with its mists, feeling like we were being deluged by a storm on a sunny day. Jennifer and I did manage to get a few pictures of the torrent, but our camera was getting so wet we had to put it away, lest we lose its carefully digitized record.

Behold, sinners! God awaits in the Maw of the Beast. Let all ye bow to the glory of the ancient power of the Falls!

It felt almost like a pilgrimage, with everyone giving up their individuality to become of one mind, one heart and one vision. All around the boat, there were people of all classes, professions and blood types who had been leveled out into a gathering of homogenous blue penitents come to pay homage to the raging God before us. Hallelujah! Yes, only a word that includes a Tetragrammaton can capture how mighty was the spectacle we beheld. The Maid of the Mist had literally carried we the pious passengers into the Maw of the Beast, a roaring water deity capable of smashing us to flinders, not with the force of its wrath, but by its inexorable sense of geologic indifference. We came out of it blessed, thrilled and very, very wet. It was worth it. To quote the Islamic Shahadah, “La ilaha illa-llahu.” (Translation: There is no God but God.) You can experience it yourself from this video clip:





Canadian Sunburn? WTF!?

Somewhere along our walk back to the room, I was staring at Jennifer’s chest. That’s when I noticed she had gotten sunburned. More, when I finally looked up at her face, I realized she’d gotten that nice feature toasted as well. So had I! We had to appreciate that we went all the way down to the beaches of Nassau, Bahamas and came back as lily-white as the day we left. But we go to, of all places, Canada, and come back sunburned!? How does that happen? I didn’t even think Canada had that much sunlight. At any rate, it stung a little and eventually healed. But Jennifer and I know about the advanced aging effect that tanning cumulatively inflicts on the skin, and we hated the fact that we had suffered relatively permanent damage to the sack that holds our guts inside.

After this eventful day, we didn’t do much else. Forking over the money on our room tab, we watched another pay-per-view movie, this one called The New World. It was another artsy picture starring Colin Farrell, in which the movie itself was longer than the story. Decent up until about the halfway point, it then started progressively making less and less sense. Ultimately, I think they ran out of things for the actors to say, so they just showed them…well, that’s pretty much all they did. The actors just stare at each other and the camera, and think that's going to carry the story. Even alcohol couldn’t give it meaning. *Yawn* We finished it because we’d bled to pay for it, but otherwise considered it 5/10 stars. Our evening wrapped up and we went to bed.


NEXT: The efforts to get home.


Click for Part VII