Wednesday, May 14, 2008—Suckers for Ears
Check-out time came early for four weary travelers from Kentucky. As always, though, Jennifer and I were reaching our saturation point for travel experiences, and we were now ready to head home. And we had one more incentive, which I’m sure we shared with the Greers…EARS!! Yes, any human who serves as a caretaker for a four-foot starts to miss them after awhile. Jennifer in particular is a sucker for their fuzzy little ears, and no matter how good the hands into which we entrust their care, we always worry about the little devious creatures. [No offense, Dan!]Roam If You Want To, Roam Around the World
The trip back to the airport ended up becoming one of the most convoluted,
agonizing car trips of our vacation experience. Over the course of our time together with the Greers, Jennifer and I had ultimately come to the realization that neither Robert nor Leda had any idea how to organize and implement a trip of this magnitude. Leda had made promises that her experience of yesteryear, the time she had spent meeting with her family in the region, would serve to help us all to navigate the logistics of travel on these roads. What she had not told us was that her experience was from her teenage years. In actual practice, she knew next to nothing about functioning here as an adult. Over the course of our previous evenings driving to restaurants, she had evidenced difficulty remembering her way around even territory she had traversed twenty-four hours earlier.
Therefore, what began was a tragedy of errors.
On this day of our leavetaking, the Greers' first error was using an Internet mapping site that was already past its heydey. Their second mistake was deciding to take a different route back to the airport than the one we had taken to get to the hotel. The Travelin' Thornberries had already learned by hard experience that to deviate from the known path in an unfamiliar city is always to court disaster. Jennifer would say later that her heart sank as soon as she heard Leda voice this rather risky plan. But Leda in particular had shown an historic trend of insecurity and ego-fragility, and we suspected our feedback would have met with resistance. So rather than risk conflict and speak up when we certainly should have, we found ourselves crisscrossing Maryland, while Leda looked for rural trails that didn’t seem to exist. Unfortunately, it seemed to both of us, that Leda would rather we miss our plane flight than admit she was out of her depth.
At one point, we passed a couple of young mongrel teen boys, standing topless on each side of the road and apparently lobbing a tennis ball across as the cars passed. We couldn’t tell if they were trying to hit the cars or seeing if they could get the ball between them without hitting them, but either way, it was dangerous, moronic behavior. It was with a satisfying “thump” that Leda swerved and ran over them, leaving them writhing in pain on the road behind us. We pulled over for a half second so I could fish out the branding iron and pass it to Robert. He heated it in the car’s cigarette lighter for us and then passed it back to Jennifer, who approached the crushed boys and pressed the brand into their bare sternums, right between their vestigial nipples. Hsss! Congratulations, boys. You have each been branded a “cow” by the Travelin’ Thornberries and the Go-Go Greers!
Then it was time to get back on the road.
After we entered the second hour of a 45-minute trip, Jennifer was frustrated, and I finally told Leda to stop at a 7-11 convenience store. Jennifer and I had decided it was time to do away with the aimless wandering; the Travelin' Thornberries were taking over.
First, we simply went inside and asked for verbal directions. Consistent with our past experience, the employees, and even a few customers, were more than willing to give us the basic route to find the airport. Next, we shared our discovery with Leda, whom we expected by this point was probably very embarrassed and out-of-sorts. She did resist, albeit feebly, but by this time, we were firm. The time for random driving had passed, and too much was riding on getting to the airport now. Once our experience prevailed and we got the vehicle going in the general direction of the airport, we arrived with plenty of time to avoid missing our plane.
The Long Ride Home
Once we were on the aircraft, the trip home was relatively uneventful. The only exception was when Robert reached over and boxed my ears, leaving me reeling and slumped onto Jennifer’s lap. After spending the previous day in beautiful, sunny weather, he considered it fit punishment for the Travelin’ Thornberries for their reeking, sour luck; the captain announced over the intercom that we were once again heading into a turbulent, rainy trip home. Robert said to me, “You weren’t exaggerating…your trips really are like this!” Eh. In this case, we'd had a little help with the misfortune, huh? If it wasn’t for our usual sour luck and a bit of contribution from the inexperience of the Greers, you wouldn’t have a story, would you, dear readers? Well, this one came to an end without further incident, and we hope you enjoyed it!
Ye Ende
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